Assorted Odds and Ends: Poor Decisions Edition

340) Transylvania 6-5000 (1985) Dir: Rudy de Luca Date Released: November 8, 1985 Date Seen: October 31, 2012 Rating: 2/5

342) The Dentist (1996) Dir: Brian Yuzna Date Released: October 18, 1996 Date Seen: November November 1, 2012 Rating: 3.25/5

343) Every Which Way But Loose (1978) Dir: James Fargo Date Released: December 20, 1978 Date Seen: November 1, 2012 Rating: 2/5

Don't look at me, I was depressed, and bored. Currently, I am depressed, and unmotivated. Big difference. Anyway!

Transylvania 6-5000: This is the kind of no-brow comedy that is so stupid that I hope, for the sake of the dignity of the people involved (yes, even Michael Richards), that the jokes were as improvised as they seem...same goes for the plot...and the characters....and the direction...and the production. Look, what I'm trying to say is, I loved Jeff Goldlbum's schmoozy schtick, and was delighted by how tone-deaf Michael Richards's "performance" is. But apart from some satisfyingly goony gags, this is a fuckin' mess. Still: Geena Davis in a cut-rate Vampira outfit, hubba hubba.

The Dentist:This horror film (it's not a horror-comedy) is weirdly straight-forward for a Brian Yuzna film called The Dentist. Yuzna's movie semi-seriously adheres to a basic B-noir stock plot: Corbin Bernsen's driller killer (aha, I slay me, aha!) tries to get away with murdering his wife, and, well, spoiler alert, he doesn't. Ken Foree, wearing some ree-dick-ulous glasses, investigates. The Dentist is accordingly...well, bland, really. Did Yuzna blow his wad of crazy on Necronomicon? I hope not, because there's some stuff he's made since then that I would like to check out (Return of the Living Dead 3, I'm looking at you...some day...maybe...).

Every Which Way But Loose: This high-as-a-kite-concept comedy is so dull that I kept waiting for some good quips to sustain me, just one or two Stallone-level quips, that's all, really. And this movie couldn't even deliver that! How do you fuck this up: Eastwood, a guy that oozes charisma, and an ape sidekick: how is this not at least a memorably insult to my intelligence? 

This movie is so boring that, during the ages-long stretches between forgettable orangutan-related jokes and sleepy bare-knuckle brawling scenes, my mind wandered. I started to wonder about the sanity of the people that wrote this thing. Like, who expects the American public (because this film was clearly intended to get people off on heartland Americans' feisty, won't-back-down self-image) to believe that there are people--real, actual people--that would try to make money fist-fighting Clint Eastwood? Who says, "Gee, that feller? I kin take 'im?" I'm thinking especially of that last guy, the fat, mouthy dude in the meat-packing plant. Who is this guy? What's his story? Is he brain-damaged? Does he have a doctor's note? Was he always that stupid? Why, after giving and taking trash talk from Clint Eastwood, does this man say, "Hot dayum, I'ma win me some moola?"*

I'm not saying this is a line of questioning one should pursue when watching Every Which Way But Loose. But the fact that I was pursuing said line of questioning as, ahum, vigorously as I did is a good indication of how bored it made me. BORING BORING BORING.

*Note: He does not actually say this. I am paraphrasing him in a comical manner.