Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Sexytime Odds and Ends, Zzzzz-What-Hell-Was-That Edition

364) Breaking Dawn--Part 2 (2012) Dir: Bill Condon Date Released: November 16, 2012 Date Seen: November 14, 2012 Rating: 2/5

368) The Baby (1973) Dir: Ted Post Date Released: March XX, 1973 Date Seen: November 15, 2012 Rating: 3.25/5

370) Hercules (1983) Dir: Luigi Cozzi Date Released: August 26, 1983 Date Seen: August 26, 1983 Date Seen: November 17, 2012 Rating: 3.5/5

Breaking Dawn--Part 2: I had originally wanted to interview Condon, and ask him what the fuck is up with his previous horror movies. But somehow, I could not get more than 10 minutes to talk with the man. So I have yet to achieve my dream of discussing Le Cinema Psychotronique with the dude that co-wrote Strange Behavior and directed Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh. Anyway, I went to see Breaking Dawn--Part 2 because a friend invited me, and I was in an especially masochistic/down-in-the-dumps mood. I still haven't seen Breaking Dawn--Part 1, but at the time, I had already seen the other three Twilight movies (and reviewed two of them!). Thankfully, skipping Part 1 wasn't much of an impediment as the plot of that film is rehashed throughout Part 2. For the most part, Condon's conclusion is a more technically accomplished Twilight movie (though Part 2 is also drippy, creepy, and moronic in the usual Twilight way, too). But when the movie got to its ridunkadunk concluding battle royale, I got what I came for. It really is everything you've read and more. Everyone's heads--ripped off! Michael Sheen--over-acting up a storm! Ice caps--melting! Twist ending--is a twist ending! It's nuts, but the rest of the movie is pretty whatever.

The Baby: Ted Post's now-infamous whatsit is also mostly sleepy, albeit in a more inviting, made-for-TV domestic psycho-drama kinda way. But then the big twist hits, and it's all WHAAAA GOOOOOOOO NNNNNNNN WWEEEYYYY. If someone were to rhetorically ask me if I've ever seen a movie where any one part is sufficiently screwy enough to make up for the middling whole, I'd cite The Baby's twist. When I was watching this thing, I was waiting, and waiting for the much-hyped crazy to kick in. And as I waited, my interest gradually flagged, but I was still OK. Yeah, yeah, whatever, this isn't the crap-fest I was promised, but it's OK, I'm OK, I'm falling asleep, but it' OWHAT THE FUCK, HOW THE SHIT-A-BRICK! And that's The Baby.

Hercules: This one is a bit more uniformly butt-slut-nuts, to use a favorite Carlson-ism. It's as if Cozzi saw Clash of the Titans, and decided he could do better by making his pantheon of Gods more petty and over-sexed (They love each other! But they hate each other!), his hero more beefcake-y (Oh, Lou Ferrigno...), his monsters more screwy (giant mechanical bug-thing!), and his special effects more dated (Lasers, everywhere!). Hercules consequently makes no sense, but it's like The Manitou's space-battle-in-a-janitor's-closet scene was turned into a whole movie, and while that has its drawbacks (ie: you can't sustain that much crazy, Captain, there's just too much pressure, she's gonna blow eventually!), all I remember was being all, mimimimiWHATWHATWHATmimiWHAmWWWOOOOOOO. Just ask Bill, he'll confirm that I'm exaggerating within my means.

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