RV!: The New York Ripper (1982)

RV!: The New York Ripper (1982) Dir: Lucio Fulci Date Released (VHS): March 1987 Date Seen: October 27, 2011 Rating: 4.25/5

Love this'n even more the second go-around. I wrote this introduction for when it screened at the Spectacle Theater in Williamsburg. My intros have since become more...improvised. Ad-libbed, I mean. Still, I wonder how this reads...maybe better in print than read aloud. You decide.

The movie you’re about to see was designed to fuck with you. It’s a nightmarish Hitchcockian homage with glancing sight gags that skewer the very possibility ofpsycho-analyzing a person based on their actions. It’s also a great companion piece to De Palma’s notorious and, until recently, long-unavailable Dressed to Kill, which was made in 1980, two years before Fulci directed The New York Ripper. One of the first lines in this film is an unshaved, derelict-looking guy asking his dog if he wants to play fetch: “Here, you wanna get some exercise? Ooh, my balls.” Ooh, my balls. Ahehehe yeah.

Right from this opening scene, you can tell that Fulci is going to throw as many MacGuffins and red herring clues as possible. The dog, while playing fetch, brings a hand back to his master. That hand doesn’t seem important but it is. Or at least, it will be once it’s revealed who it belongs to later in the film.

455) Identification of a Woman (1982)

455) Identification of a Woman (1982) Dir: Michelangelo Antonioni Date Released: Nocember 15, 1996 Date Seen: October 26, 2011 Rating: 4/5

This was supposed to run at Press Play. But it got lost in the shuffle, I suppose. Here it is anyway.

Silence is the hallmark of real intimacy in Michelangelo Antonioni’s Identification of a Woman, a character study following a restless man that can’t stop himself from talking and coaxing women into talking to him. “I’d like to be silent with a woman,” Niccolò (Tomas Milian), a listless film director, says at one point. “Have the same kind of relationship you have with nature.” This is impossible because, for most of the film, Niccolò is chasing after Mavi (Daniela Silverio), a woman he first seeks out as a potential star for his next project. Niccolò is still chasing Mavi even while he’s having sex with her. The film’s sex scenes, shot by master DP Carlo Di Palma, pay close attention to the contours of the human body and how various different parts never seem to seamlessly fit together.

Paranoia and obsession are symptoms of the human condition, as Niccolò understands it so everyone around him speaks their minds and no one remains silent for long. Even a mysterious stranger that is stalking Niccolò reminds him twice that he’s following him. This is striking because, as in L’Avventura in particular, Identification of a Woman’s plot revolves around absence and longing that isn’t expressed in explicit terms. It’s about the gaps in time and space, like the one created in the landscape by Identification’s famous fog-choked road scene, and how we choose to fill them while waiting for the inevitable. Ultimately, Niccolò’s probably more connected with his stalker than he ever was with Mavi.

454) Tower Heist (2011)

454) Tower Heist (2011) Dir: Brett Ratner Date Released: November 4, 2011 Date Seen: October 26, 2011 Rating: 2/5

Yup, definitely a Brett Ratner movie. See my piece for Nomad Wide Screen, right next to my only full-length review of Julia Leigh's Sleeping Beauty (I'm a rathah vocal advocate of the latter film).

453) Ra.One (2011)

453) Ra.One (2011) Dir: Anubhav Sinha Date Released: October 26, 2011 Date Seen: October 25, 2011 Rating: 2/5

A real Bollywood blow-out. See my piece for Slant Magazine.

452) Weekend (2011)

452) Weekend (2011) Dir: Andrew Haigh Date Released: September 23, 2011 Date Seen: October 24, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

I rather liked this wispy long weekend romance, even though I think some of the central drama about sexual identity is canned. There's a very warm air of intimacy about Haigh's characters that I'm having a hard time attributing to any singular creative decision. But more than anything else, I can't help but recall the experience of watching this film. I felt like the only straight guy in a small theater full of gay men (theater 2 at the IFC Center...or was it theater 3?). In fact, I felt apologetic, like I was intruding on something. I also vividly recall the subway ride back to my place, arguing at great length with my good friend Zengkun Feng about this film, about the dialogue and melodrama in Margin Call and the ultimate worth of the Human Centipede movies as art. Now, my enthusiasm for Weekend comes back to me as a warm but vague memory I can't extricate from that quiet, intimate (not in that way!) night. Fine by me. I guess 2011 wasn't so bad...

451) The Robber (2010)

451) The Robber (2010) Dir: Benjamin Heisenberg Date Released: April 29, 2011 Date Seen: October 24, 2011 Rating: 3.5/5

Good enough. Which is frustrating. See my review for Slant Magazine.

450) The Woman (2011)

450) The Woman (2011) Dir: Lucky McKee Date Released: October 14, 2011 Date Seen: October 23, 2011 Rating: 3/5

I wish I felt more strongly about Lucky McKee's latest film. I can see both the smart-ass wit and creative frustration that people respond to in May here. And I even think he's become a more confident story-teller. He's become a better satirist, too: this one feels like a proudly cracked-out Sirk parody. I can also get behind a number of McKee's brattier decisions, including the choice to only whip out the human dog at the last minute (struck me as a decision that a younger, Katakuris-era Miike would make). But I really just do not like the scene where "the woman" gets her revenge. In that moment, McKee goes beyond irony-for-its-own-sake to semi-serious self-righteousness. But that's just a tonal hiccup and perhaps it's simply another way for McKee to pull the rug out from under his viewers (or at least, his ideal audience...though I'm not even sure if he's thinking this far ahead). Still, that scene irks me. The rest of the film's ok though. 

RV!: Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

RV!: Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964) Dir: Stanley Kubrick Date Released: January 29, 1964 Rating: 4.75/5

Still one of the best. See my piece for Capital New York.

434) The Three Musketeers (2011) , 435) The Rum Diary (2011) and 440) Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

434) The Three Musketeers (2011) Dir: Paul W.S. Anderson Date Released: October 21, 2011 Date Seen: October 18, 2011 Rating: 1.75/5

435) The Rum Diary (2011) Dir: Bruce Robinson Date Released: October 28, 2011 Date Seen: October 18, 2011 Rating: 2.75/5

440) Paranormal Activity 3 (2011) Dir: Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman Date Released: October 21, 2011 Date Seen: October 21, 2011 Rating: 3/5

The proverbial mixed bag. Check out my reviews for Nomad Wide Screen.

431) The Shock Doctrine (2009)

431) The Shock Doctrine (2009) Dir: Mat Whitecross and Michael Winterbottom Date Released: XX ???? Date Seen: October 17, 2011 Rating: 1.75/5

Ill-conceived on a number of levels. See my piece for Slant Magazine.

427) The Descendants (2011)

427) The Descendants (2011) Dir: Alexander Payne Date Released: December 9, 2011 Date Seen: October 16, 2011 Rating: 3.5/5

Wrote two pieces about this, one more favorable than the other. Here's one for Fandor and one's for Nomad Wide Screen. Enjoy, as they French say.

426) Three on a Meathook (1973), 432) Werewolves on Wheels (1971), 444) The Manitou (1978), 448) Asylum of Satan (1972) and 449) Grizzly (1976)

426) Three on a Meathook (1973) Dir: William Girdler Date Released: XX 1973 Date Seen: October 15, 2011 Rating: 2.25/5

432) Werewolves on Wheels (1971) Dir: Michel Levesque Date Released: November 19, 1971 Date Seen: October 17, 2011 Rating: 2.75/5

444) The Manitou (1978) Dir: William Girdler Date Released: April 28, 1978 Date Seen: October 22, 2011 Rating: 3.5/5

448) Asylum of Satan (1972) Dir: William Girdler Date Released: XX 1972 Date Seen: October 23, 2011 Rating: 2.75/5

449) Grizzly (1976) Dir: William Girdler Date Released: May 21, 1976 Date Seen: October 23, 2011 Rating: 2.25/5

William Girdler, ooh, spooky. Listen to "Kentucky Crap Wagon," the eighth episode of the Bad Idea Podcast.

422) The Catechism Cataclysm (2011)

422) The Catechism Cataclysm (2011) Dir: Todd Rohal Date Released: October 19, 2011 Date Seen: October 15, 2011 Rating: 2.25/5

I wanted to like this a lot more than I did. See my review for Slant Magazine.

421) Margaret (2011)

421) Margaret (2011) Dir: Kenneth Lonergan Date Released: September 30, 2011 Date Seen: October 13, 2011 Rating: 4.5/5

I haven't been this totally immersed in such a complex contempoary drama in what seems like a while. I'm at a bit of a loss. I fucking LOVE the pace of the film and really do not understand how people could find it ungainly. I was totally absorbed the whole and never felt its plotting was distractingly arhythmic. Lonergan's sense of how to film New York is incredible. I think the only complaint I have is that the bus crash is a bit hokey (until the event is over and we're dealing with its aftermath, that is). Beyond that, great, great stuff.

419) Noriko's Dinner Table (2005)

419) Noriko's Dinner Table (2005) Dir: Sion Sono Date Released: June 13, 2007 Date Seen: October 12, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

Not as good as Suicide Club but once it gets going, it's a pretty compelling feature-length coda in its own right. See my piece for Capital New York.

413) Footloose (2011) and 416) The Thing (2011)

413) Footloose (2011) Dir: Craig Brewer Date Released: October 14, 2011 Date Seen: October 10, 2011 Rating: 2/5

416) The Thing (2011) Dir: Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. Date Released: October 14, 2011 Date Seen: October 11, 2011 Rating: 3.5/5

The '80s respectively re-imagined by the dude that made Black Snake Moan and a guy that actually understands and really loves Scott's Alien and Carpenter's The Thing. Check out my reviews for Nomad Wide Screen.

RV!: I'm a Cyborg, But That's Ok (2006)

RV!: I'm a Cyborg, But That's Ok (2006) Dir: Chan-wook Park Date Released: October 8, 2011 Date Seen: October 8, 2011 Rating: 4/5

A small step down after the first viewing. But perhaps that's because I loved it so much the first go-around and it just didn't live up to my unfairly high expectations? Dunno, will figure it out when I rewatch it next, I guess. See my review for Slant Magazine.

408) Shame (2011)

408) Shame (2011) Dir: Steve McQueen Date Rubbed Out: December 2, 2011 Date Seen: October 6, 2011 Rating: 1.5/5

Oh, puhlease. See my review for Press Play.

406) The Blue Lamp (1950) and 407) The Lavender Hill Mob (1951)

406) The Blue Lamp (1960) Dir: Basil Dearden Date Released: June 1, 1950 Date Seen: October 5, 2011 Rating: 4/5

407) The Lavender Hill Mob (1951) Dir: Charles Crichton Date Released: October 15, 1951 Date Seen: October 5, 2011 Rating: 4.25/5

Ealing Studios! See my piece for Capital New York.

RV!: The Skin I Live In (2011) and 411) Real Steel (2011)

RV!: The Skin I Live In (2011) Dir: Pedro Almodovar Date Released: October 14, 2011 Date Seen: October 4, 2011 Rating: 4.25/5

411) Real Steel (2011) Dir: Shawn Levy Date Released: October 14, 2011 Date Seen: October 16, 2011 Rating: 1.75/5

This is pretty much my 2011 in a nutshell: veddy high highs, periously low lows. See my reviews for Nomad Wide Screen.

404) A Dangerous Method (2011)

404) A Dangerous Method (2011) Dir: David Cronenberg Date Released: November 23, 2011 Date Seen: October 4, 2011 Rating: 4.25/5

Fuck the haters. See my review for The House Next Door.

403) This Is Not a Film (2010)

403) This Is Not a Film (2010) Dir: Jafar Panahi and Mojtaba Mirtahmasb Not Yet Released Date Seen: October 4, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

Typically, setting out to create a narrative about your own creative frustration means you're shooting to make a moving and/or thoughtful but also necessarily alienating narrative. This documentary's potency is largely reliant on how frequently Jafar Panahi is able to successfully dramatize his personal isolation and represent ideas and fleeting notions that are unique to him. At the same time, I'm more interested in This is Not a Film's figurative representation of Panahi's ennui as a sweeping expression of his pent-up artistic ambitions and his stymied need to create. These are more moving than the moments that show Panahi as an individual martyr (ie: interludes where we accompany Panahi as he waits for his lawyer to call and shuffes about his apartment). These latter intervals are necessarily frustrating but a vital part of the film's story. That doesn't make waiting for Panahi and Mairtahmasb to show us something more poetic than static that much more compelling. Still, it is worth noting that yes, this very exciting experiment is also frustrating by design.

Note: I love and can't help but hope that Panahi or Mirtahmasb decided to arrange Panahi's DVD shelf in such a way that Buried, the Ryan Reynolds horror pic, was purposefully put on the edge, right where the camera and hence the viewer could not help but see it.

31 Days of Horror

400) Alligator (1980) Dir: Lewis Teague Date Released: July 2, 1980 Date Seen: October 2, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

401) Crawlspace (1986) Dir: David Schmoeller Date Released: May 21, 1986 Date Seen: October 2, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

405) Dead Alive (1992) Dir: Peter Jackson Date Released: February 12, 1993 Date Seen: October 4, 2011 Rating: 3.5/5

409) A Lizard in a Woman's Skin (1971) Dir: Lucio Fulci Date Released: March 20, 1973 Date Seen: October 7, 2011 Rating: 3.25/5

410) Dracula 2000 (2000) Dir: Patrick Lussier Date Released: December 22, 2000 Date Seen: October 8, 2011 Rating: 2.75/5

411) Messiah of Evil (1973) Dir: Willard Huyck and Gloria Katz Date Released: XX 1973 Date Seen: October 9, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

412) Kill Baby, Kill (1966) Dir: Mario Bava Date Released: October 8, 1968 Date Seen: October 9, 2011 Rating: 4/5

Fantastic Fest 2011: Part Deux

393) Revenge: A Love Story (2010) Dir: Ching-Po Wong Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 30, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

394) Blind (2011) Dir: Sang-hoon Ahn Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 30, 2011 Rating: 3.5/5

395) The Squad (2011) Dir: Jaime Osorio Marquez Not Yet Released Date Seen: October 1, 2011 Rating: 2.75/5

396) Two Eyes Staring (2011) Dir: Elbert Van Strien Not Yet Released Date Seen: October 1, 2011 Rating: 3.25/5

397) Aardvark (2010) Dir: Kitao Sakurai Not Yet Released Date Seen: October 1, 2011 Rating: 3/5

398) Retreat (2011) Dir: Carl Tibbetts Date Released: October 21, 2011 Date Seen: October 1, 2011 Rating: 2.25/5

399) A Lonely Place to Die (2011) Dir: Julian Gilbey Date Released: November 11, 2011 Date Seen: October 1, 2011 Rating: 2.75/5

So I watched a bunch of screeners for this second of two dispatches written from New York but about Austin's own Fantastic Fest. Mosey on over to Press Play for more.

392) Sleeping Sickness (2011)

391) Sleeping Sickness (2011) Dir: Ulrich Kohler Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 30, 2011 Rating: 3.5/5

I rather liked the "Col. Kurtz has overstayed his welcome in Africa, even after he's become an institution and a force of good unto himself" aspect to this story. But only when it's literally imagined. When Kohler gets into abstractions and tries to create metaphors, he really starts to look like an amateur that happens to have latched onto a galvanic and compelling story. The hippo stuff, the hunt in the woods, the driving sequences which seem loaded with meaning (specifically, how passable the road the characters are driving on and what they see is dependent on where they are in their personal journeys): these are weak. But the characters are rich and compelling enough and their world is, too. Which I guess is why I don't like the film when it strives for greater meaning. Feet on the ground, good. Head in the clouds, nope.

391) Dogfight (1991)

391) Dogfight (1991) Dir: Nancy Savoca Date Released: October 4, 1991 Date Seen: September 29, 2011 Rating: 4/5

I find this comedic romance to be very charming, mostly because it's determined to not totally conform to generic expectations. The set-up is pretty formulaic: guys compete over who can present the ugliest "dog." Then the story's narrative starts to meander and the film becomes more about what happens once the stupid courtship game the two characters have started to play stops working for each other. They try to talk over dinner, which is her idea of taking control of the evening and countering his previously established chauvinistic rules, choice of seedy milieu, etc. So their imperfect but nevertheless magical night is an experiential dialectic in that sense and one that dabbles with audience's expectations. It's also frustrating because, while I think the ending tugged on my heart strings well enough, the end returns us back to formulaic status quo. Their tryst inevitably has to end as the march of time and history in this case is undeniable. Still, I liked its gentle sense of confusion, its graceful, subtle reversals and its confounding light touch.

390) Unfaithfully Yours (1948)

390) Unfaithfully Yours (1948) Dir: Preston Sturges Date Released: December 10, 1948 Date Seen: September 29, 2011 Rating: 4.25/5

I'm mostly awed by how side-splittingly mean this film is. It's also technically accomplished in ways that I think are invigoratingly eccentric. Like, the motif of invading Rex Harrison's mind via tracking shots that go past his eyeball and straight to his id. Or that elaborate phonograph gag that requires the audience to see a pattern and recognize its total reversal. I wasn't just in stitches when I saw this latter bit, I was laughing so hard I was actually doubled-over crying. I was doubled-over coughing and crying and laughing. And then I composed myself and unpaused the film. Only to rewatch it. How did Sturges do it? Or maybe just: how did he get away with it?! Incredible.

389) London Boulevard (2010)

389) London Boulevard (2010) Dir: William Monahan Date Released: November 11, 2011 Date Seen: September 27, 2011 Rating: 2.25/5

Really like the ending but not much else. See my review for Time Out Chicago.

388) What's Your Number? (2011) and 402) The Ides of March (2011)

388) What's Your Number? (2011) Dir: Mark Mylod Date Released: September 30, 2011 Date Seen: September 27, 2011 Rating: 1.75/5

402) The Ides of March (2011) Dir: George Clooney Date Released: October 7, 2011 Date Seen: October 3, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

Uh, quite a difference in quality, non? See my reviews for Nomad Wide Screen.

387) Carnage (2011)

387) Carnage (2011) Dir: Roman Polanski Date Released: December 16, 2011 Date Seen: September 27, 2011 Rating: 4/5

Even funnier than I thought it'd be after reading the already funny script for Yasmina Reza's stage play. See my review for The House Next Door.

384) Tattooed Flower Vase (1976)

384) Tattooed Flower Vase (1976) Dir: Masaru Konuma Date Released: ??? Date Seen: September 26, 2011 Rating: 3.5/5

Roman porno! See my quicky primer on the genre for Fandor.

383) Abduction (2011)

383) Abduction (2011) Dir: John Singleton Date Released: September 23, 2011 Date Seen: September 25, 2011 Rating: 1.5/5

Not awful enough to be enjoyable, unfortunately. Though there are a number of scenes that are so tonally out of whack that I wondered if Singleton ever talked to screenwriter Shawn Christensen. Take for instance, that early scene where Taylor Lautner's dad is wrestling with him and teaching him the ancient martial art of "Don't Get Your Ass Kicked:" what the hell am I watching? This is supposed to be funny, I think, but it's not. I mean, it is funny but it's not intentionally funny. Or what about that line Michael Nyqvist has about wanting to murder all of Lautner's Facebook friends? Did Singleton feel this project was beneath him? What was going on here exactly? 

378) The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) (2011), 385) Calibre 9 (2011) and 386) Clown: The Movie (2011)

378) The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) (2011) Dir: Tom Six Date Released: October 7, 2011 Date Seen: September 23, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

385) Calibre 9 (2011) Dir: Jean-Christian Tassy Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 26, 2011 Rating: 3/5

386) Clown: The Movie (2011) Dir: Mikkel Norgaard Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 26, 2011 Rating: 3/5

The first three Fantastic Fest-centric titles I watched the whole way through this year. See my piece for Press Play.

377) Dreilieben: Beats Being Dead (2011)

377) Dreilieben: Beats Being Dead (2011) Dir: Christian Petzold Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 23, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

As usual, Petzold's exacting mise en scene and absolute technical control is only hampered by the heavy-osity of his films' capitalist critique. Perfect example: there's a totally alienating shot-reverse shot in the scene where the hotel maid is dropped off at her job. Petzold delineates that there is a boundary between her work and the outside world, one that she can't traverse as well as her upwardly mobile medical student boyfriend can. So once she crosses over the threshold into her workspace, she can't go back to him. But he can visit her if he wants to. 

Seeing all of that conveyed in just one shot-reverse shot is pretty damn impressive. It's also fairly distracting. Still, some absolutely stunning sequences, as usual. The wedding reception didn't do much for me but holy shit, how about that night-swimming scene with the motorcycle gang? Beautiful, scary, erotic; it brought De Palma to mind, which probably just shows to go you how my brain is hard-wired to think of De Palma now that I'm a De Palma fan.

376) Squirm (1976)

376) Squirm (1976) Dir: Jeff Lieberman Date Released: July 30, 1976 Date Seen: September 22, 2011 Rating: 2.25/5

This piece was also killed. This may seem like a trend. But, well, shut up.

Initially, you almost want Squirm to work in spite of itself. The creepy lullaby that the film begins with is surprisingly effective and the location that writer/director Jeff Lieberman’s killer worm flick is set in is equally spooky. The rest of the film—eh, not so much. Squirm has an all right set-up but Lieberman’s got none of the ideas or the skills needed to follow through on them. His film just looks cheap and stupid in the end, particularly when you’re watching a mass of rubber grub worms shrink back whenever fire is around. In other words, Squirm deserves the lambasting that Mike Nelson and his robots gave it on Mystery Science Theater 3000. But I kinda wish it hadn’t.

The set-up’s ridiculous but simple enough: a young Southern belle (Patricia Pearcy) and her non-threatening pen pal (Don Scardino) try to save the buckteeth town of Fly Creek from being overrun by man-eating worms. Yes, worms, the source of the town’s industry (for bait, see) have been electrified by fallen power lines and turned into, uh, evil monsters. Now they’re slowly clogging drains and burrowing under people’s skin and eating the flesh clean off their bones.

Sounds like stupid fun, right? Well, it would have been if Lieberman actually knew what he was doing. Never mind the fact that he’s working on a aglet-less shoestring-budget: Lieberman’s actors, dialogue and directing are for shit. The film takes a fatally stoopid turn when it finally tries to become a full-on southern gothic monster movie. Watching the deranged boy next door (R.A. Dow) get infested with worms and then try to kill the Southern belle’s beau is pure chintz. Oh well, at least the box art looks cool.

374) What? (1972) and 375) Pirates (1986)

374) What? (1972) Dir: Roman Polanski Date Released: October 3, 1973 Date Seen: September 21, 2011 Rating: 3/5

375) Pirates (1986) Dir: Roman Polanski Date Released: July 18, 1986 Date Seen: September 21, 2011 Rating: MAKE IT STOP/5*

The two biggest outliers in Polanski's considerable filmography. See my piece for Capital New York.

*About 1/5

Bad Idea Podcast #7: Canadian Like Me

373) Jennifer's Body (2009) Dir: Karyn Kusama Date Released: September 18, 2009 Date Seen: September 19, 2011 Rating: 1.75/5

379) loudQUIETloud: A Film About the Pixies (2006) Dir: Steven Cantor and Matthew Galkin Date Released: September 29, 2006 Date Seen: September 24, 2011 Rating: 4/5

380) A Hole in My Heart (2004) Dir: Lukas Moodysson Date Released: April 8, 2005 Date Seen: September 25, 2011 Rating: 2/5

381) The Devil's Chair (2007) Dir: Adam Mason Date Released: ??? Date Seen: September 25, 2011 Rating: 1.25/5

382) Shadowboxer (2005) Dir: Lee Daniels Date Released: July 21, 2006 Date Seen: September 25, 2011 Rating: 1.25/5

I liked...one of these films, at least. Listen to the seventh episode of the Bad Idea Podcast, dedicated to films that were recently received like the bubonic plague at the Toronto International Film Festival.

372) Circo (2010)

372) Circo (2010) Dir: Aaron Schock Date Released: 2010, according to IMDB? Date Seen: September 19, 2011 Rating: 2/5

I saw this because it got goodish reviews and I felt I needed to keep abreast with stuff, things. I wuz wrong. See my review for Slant Magazine.

365) Anonymous (2011)

365) Anonymous (2011) Dir: Roland Emmerich Date Released: October 28, 2011 Date Seen: September 15, 2011 Rating: 1.5/5

This piece got killed. But that's ok, here it is anyway.

With Anonymous, Roland Emmerich, the director of such titanic blunders as 2012 and 10,000 BC, proves once again that he can make a terrible film regardless of its subject. Emmerich’s latest folly is a brain-dead melodrama about the secret life of the Earl of Oxford, a prominent nobleman who some scholars argue was really responsible for penning William Shakespeare’s plays.

Of the egregiously misleading assumptions that Emmerich and screenwriter John Orloff make, the biggest one is actually a garden-variety tenet of contemporary biopics. Anonymous uses a tacky and sordid doomed romance to get viewers to appreciate the emotional depths from which such archetypal works like Hamlet and Macbeth sprang from. Emmerich and Orloff have cast Shakespeare in a new light based on their own dimwitted understanding of his plays so that Shakespeare now behaves as a Shakespearean protagonist, many of which imagine themselves are mere play things for the Gods, might. The problem with that scenario is that, if Anonymous is any indication, these guys don’t have a clue about what a Shakespearian protagonist is like.

Anonymous is a tragedy about writing tragedies as rendered by people who confuse soap opera plotting with tragedy. The Earl of Oxford (Rhys Ifans) is a Byronic artiste who works on his folios in the privacy of his palatial estate. He fondly recalls the days when he was a favorite of Queen Elizabeth I and the bane of her puritanical advisers. After years of keeping his writing to himself, Oxford has an epiphany. He decides to release his plays with the help of Ben Jonson (Sebastian Armesto), a young playwright of moderate renown who some real-life scholars also theorize was “the real Shakespeare.”

According to Emmerich and Orloff, Jonson agreed to help Oxford but never took credit for the work. Instead, a young upstart actor named William Shakespeare (Rafe Spall) haphazardly stumbled into the spotlight of London’s now-famous Globe Theater. After Shakespeare becomes Oxford’s public figurehead, he inevitably turns too cocky and forces Oxford back into conflict with Elizabeth’s arts-hating ecumenical council. Throw in some incest and baby mama drama and bam, you’ve got Anonymous.

The film’s numerous failings as a drama all come back to Emmerich and Orloff’s incompetence as storytellers. They don’t know how to make a drama — Shakespearean or otherwise — compelling instead of just loud. Emmerich and Orloff liberally use broad symbols for anguish, like the sounds of a baby crying somewhere offscreen while the Globe Theater burns down in the midst of torrential rain, and never hone in on a single recognizably sympathetic trait that might make Oxford a sympathetic martyr.

Emmerich even flaunts his misapprehension of what makes a powerful drama whenever he films actors performing Shakespeare’s plays. In these plays within the film’s play, props and costumes take greater precedence than the puissance of the bard’s verse. Over-emphasizing the lavishness of the Globe Theater’s productions does nothing to shed light on what makes Shakespeare’s plays so enduring. But what would you expect from a film that similarly expects you to find a greater appreciation for Shakespeare’s plays through a tacky speculative meta-narrative about Shakespeare’s real identity? Emmerich should stick to blowing up the world and leave Shakespeare in the hands of dramatists who understand the difference between pure bombast and authentic tragedy.

Toronto 2011

351) Damsels in Distress (2011) Dir: Whit Stillman Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 11, 2011 Rating: 2.25/5

352) Twixt (2011) Dir: Francis Ford Coppola Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 11, 2011 Rating: 3.25/5

353) Extraterrestrial (2011) Dir: Nacho Vigalondo Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 11, 2011 Rating: 4/5

354) Livid (2011) Dir: Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 11, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

355) Machine Gun Preacher (2011) Dir: Marc Forster Date Released: September 23, 2011 Date Seen: September 12, 2011 Rating: 2/5

356) Alps (2011) Dir: Yorgos Lanthimos Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 12, 2011 Rating: 4.25/5

357) Love and Bruises (2011) Dir: Lou Ye Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 12, 2011 Rating: 3/5

358) Life Without Principle (2011) Dir: Johnnie To Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 12, 2011 Rating: 4/5

359) Moneyball (2011) Dir: Bennett Miller Date Released: September 22, 2011 Date Seen: September 13, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

360) Into the Abyss (2011) Dir: Werner Herzog Date Released: November 11, 2011 Date Seen: September 13, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

361) The Deep Blue Sea (2011) Dir: Terence Davies Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 14, 2011 Rating: 4/5

362) Faust (2011) Dir: Aleksandr Sokurov Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 14, 2011 Rating: 4.25/5

363) Chicken with Plums (2011) Dir: Vincent Paronnaud and Marjane Satrapi Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 14, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

364) Dark Horse (2011) Dir: Todd Solondz Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 14, 2011 Rating: 4.5/5

366) Himizu (2011) Dir: Sion Sono Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 15, 2011 Rating: 3.5/5

367) You're Next (2011) Dir: Adam Wingard Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 16, 2011 Rating: 1.75/5

368) God Bless America (2011) Dir: Bobcat Goldthwait Not yet Released Date Seen: September 16, 2011 Rating: 3.25/5

369) Kotoko (2011) Dir: Shinya Tsukamoto Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 17, 2011 Rating: 3.25/5

370) Carre Blanc (2011) Dir: Jean-Baptiste Leonetti Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 17, 2011 Rating: 3.25/5

371) Smuggler (2011) Dir: Katushito Ishii Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 17, 2011 Rating: 2.25/5

Almost all of my coverage from Toronto is linked to below. An interview I did with Willem Dafoe got killed but if you want it, let me know and I'll post it here. My Anonymous review also got killed but I'm definitely posting that here, whether you like it or not.

Nomad Wide Screen: a review of Machine Gun Preacher here and a feature here and here.

Press Play: an everything-else feature here.

349) Tabloid (2010)

349) Tabloid (2010) Dir: Errol Morris Date Released: July 15, 2011 Date Seen: September 9, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

To say that Morris is a story-teller first and a journalist second is a serious understatement. Though realistically, he's more of a raconteur than anything else. Like, a raconteur by proxy. He doesn't even develop all of the lurid details of the various tangents that make up Joyce McKinney's story (ex: What happened to Joyce's dog, the one that died? Such a shocking detail thrown out there without even a cursory inquiry from nearby neighbors or the police or anything...). I know, I know, the he-said, she-said aspect to Morris's narrative is what makes Tabloid riveting, not the fact that it's so lurid and over-the-top. But hey, the lurid and over-the-top stuff helps a lot, too.

348) Lady Terminator (1989)

348) Lady Terminator (1989) Dir: H. Tjut Djalil Date Released: June 10, 1989 Date Seen: September 8, 2011 Rating: 1.25/5

Ha ha ha, what?! See my piece for the L Magazine.

347) Baseketball (1998)

347) Baseketball (1998) Dir: David Zucker Date Released: July 31, 1998 Date Seen: September 7, 2011 Rating: 3.5/5

Some great moments but mostly formulaic sports parody. See my piece on the Jim Abrahams and Zucker brothers comedies for Capital New York.

346) Night Train (1959)

346) Night Train (1959) Dir: Jerzy Kawalerowicz Not Yet Released Date Seen: September 7, 2011 Rating: 4/5

Starts off comfortably generic and turns into something else entirely. Impressive. See my capsule review for the L Magazine.

344) 50/50 (2011) and 384) Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010)

344) 50/50 (2011) Dir: Jonathan Levine Date Released: September 30, 2011 Date Seen: September 6, 2011 Rating: 2.25/5

384) Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil (2010) Dir: Eli Craig Date Released: September 30, 2011 Date Seen: September 26, 2011 Rating: 3/5

Blecch. And huh. See my reviews for Nomad Wide Screen.

The Kevin Smith Project

RV!: Clerks (1994) Dir: Kevin Smith Date Released: October 19, 1994 Date Seen: September 4, 2011 Rating: 4/5

RV!: Mallrats (1995) Dir: Kevin Smith Date Released: October 20, 1995 Date Seen: September 5, 2011 Rating: 2.5/5

RV!: Dogma (1999) Dir: Kevin Smith Date Released: November 12, 199 Date Seen: September 5, 2011 Rating: 2.75/5

345) Jersey Girl (2004) Dir: Kevin Smith Date Released: March 26, 2004 Date Seen: September 6, 2011 Rating: 2/5

RV!: Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) Dir: Kevin Smith Date Released: August 24, 2011 Date Seen: September 6, 2011 Rating: 3.5/5

RV!: Chasing Amy (1997) Dir: Kevin Smith Date Released: April 4, 1997 Date Seen: September 7, 2011 Rating: 4.25/5

RV!: Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008) Dir: Kevin Smith Date Released: October 31, 2008 Date Seen: September 8, 2011 Rating: 3.75/5

RV!: Clerks 2 (2006) Dir: Kevin Smith Date Released: July 21, 2006 Date Seen: September 10, 2011 Rating: 3/5

So I rewatched (or in the case of Jersey Girl, watched) all but one of Kevin Smith's films for this Ranked list I did for Nerve. The one I skipped was Cop Out. It was a time issue (I was flying out to Toronto the weekend I filed) plus I also felt I had seen Cop Out recently enough to judge it. Though I did have it on hand and I started to rewatch before I stopped. In any case, check out the list.